Of Giant Schwanstuckers, Monster Whoppers, & Biggus Dickus

There have been a surprising number of posts and articles relating to penis size on the net this past week. They've appeared in Ann Althouse, Daily Mail, WUWT and more. At HuffPo, they have out the measuring tape, while at Real Clear Science, beneath a picture of a pepporoni sausage, they ask, "Is Your Penis Normal?" Well, certainly not if it can be chopped up and used to enhance a pizza, but that's neither here nor there. Let me attempt to put these posts and articles in perspective.

According to popular legend, or at least Mel Brooks, having a giant schwanstucker can satisfy a woman's deepest desires:



Truth be known, my goal in life has always been to get a woman to sing that song at the appropriate moment ever since I saw Young Frankenstein. Sigh . . . .

Now we learn that, in Nigeria at least, they've gone beyond the very well endowed giant schwanstucker size and are breeding men equipped with the dreaded "Monster Whopper."

Not only are these monster whoppers too big for bums, they are also too big for normal delivery. So much so that today, a "Nigerian Woman Files For Divorce Because Her Husband's Penis Is 'Too Big.'"

What the hell are they putting in the water in Nigeria? And do they bottle it?

There is a cautionary tale here. Biggus Dickus is no joke:

Lastly, a note for the ladies (and a few percent of the guys). Sorry to say, but according to well respected law blogger Ann Althouse all those old wive's tales about foot size being a reliable indicator of the size of one's happy spelunker . . . no. The only way to find out what's in the package is to unwrap it, and even then, you at least need to give it the full Aladin's lamp treatment to insure an accurate assessment.

Should, horror of horrors, you find the present unwrapped to be a bit underwhelming, take a lesson from global warming and ice melt:

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